Aloha blog. Here I am, the master of your universe, the one who controls every word typed out her with much emotions hee :) Mashallah, its been a long time since I blogged kan? A year, or two? Wow. I guess I just gotten lazy i guess haha. Well, when you've started being busy with Real Life, you've almost got no time for yourself, what more a blog right? There are so many instances in which I keep on thinking," okay ive gotta blog soon"! Haha but it never occurs, sadly. Lol. But here I am typing away, and im typing faster than ever, I guess thanks to my previous job? As a CCC tht is, at StarHub :) I miss the enviroment. Miss my friends, but yea when situation forces you to make a choice, thats when you gotta scoot. And so I did! To much relief, and also to prepare in time for my bro's wedding beforehand. I feel like the strain and fatigue is still within! Haha, oh well, Alhamdulillah hes happily married now, and expecting a totet! Alhamdulillah! :) Cant wait :) I bet theres been some pondering done on whats my life like now. Well since after I graduated from Marsah, I took a six month intensive course, and I had to stay at the hostel! But theres no regrets at all, and I can happily proclaim that my six months there, despite the strict religious guidelines, I was much happier than I had ever beenn compared to my four years of secondary school life in singapore, in which I guess was never the epitome of my life. Many memories yes, but it was rather more painful memories than happy ones. Oh well. I guess that all past, its all put behind me now. Sometimes I just cant help but think what wouldve happened if I handled bad situations differently, if i wasnt such a goody two shoes, if I wasnt so timid, and if my heart wasnt so easy to hurt back then, maybe it wouldve turned out differently. But yea, its all in the past, and what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger inshallah :) Theres just so many things that I wish I couldve done better, but wishes, ifs, buts, are just excuses. So since my last school year, as of 2008, at 16 years old, I graduated! :) Its been 4 years since I set a foot in evss anyway, and years since I saw my clique. They are all doing well, Im so proud of them :) So then, since when i retook O levels again, i got the same results, I got dissapointed, but hey youve gtta move on. Sad as I was, it wasnt hard for me to make myself happy back again. All ive got to remind myself is ive got family by my side, in which I bersyukur for that, for some dont have that precious priviledge that Allah has generously blessed us with. Alhamdulillah :) I missed my life in Marsah, in the asrama, sleeping one room with my girlfrens, chit chattings, kacau-ing each other, how sad it was only for six months! But alhamdulillah, im very thankful that I at least got an opporturnity to meet and be friends with them. it was indeed, the happiest time of my life :) But as of the 2 days ago, I was so shocked and hurt to know what happened to one of my roommates, I was so shocked I cried along with her, because what she told me had happened was so much to bear, and its painful to know such things actlly happend to your close friend, when you were living in the same dorm! It was about someone of the opposite sex, who had done terrible, defiling,demented, condescending things to her as though she was an animal, I SWEAR if I HAD KNOWN it during tht time, I wouldve punched him in the face and reported him to the police. How dare he do what he did to a girl like tht. I was so freaking angry, and she didnt say it to us. I understood if she was scared of loosing her friends, but tht is still no reason to keep it in the dark. It happened so long ago, and I know the parents are going to be so hurt if they knew, even much more so tht this occured so long ago. She needs the strength to gather to tell her parents, but I fear she never would as she still has 'love' for this guy who so called hafals 30 juz of the quran, but infact is much worse than the ahbeng out there. If I were the police, id issue an ARREST WARRANT! Its so annoying and despicable to know that these kind of people actually exists and goes about as though nothing happened in life. And the best part? Their parents believe them! I applaud the parents coz to them, hes 'perfect' so mashallah so good so yea cnnt be in the wrong. Hes so asking for it from Allah, and I hope he gets it ASAP. I guess this week has just been an emotional rollercoaster ride, what more with so many tears, emotions and feelings, all melancholic all hitting you at one shot. Ive finally revealed the truth after so many contemplating, so many doubts about how I really feel about 'us', about everything, and most definitely my words were a slap to his face. I know no amount of apologies could ever replace the hurt I caused him, and I know tht the hubb is still there in him, i just want it to go away, it makes me tear when i think, coz I can never reciprocate the same, and I know how much grievious hurt Im causing him, but I cant help it, I have to, better than him placing hope. Sometimes you just gotta take a step back, sometimes you just gotta think, so many things have shuffled, Im not sure whats my top priority anymore. My mind is like a tangled web, I keep on shifting, and deciding, thinking of pesky things, then it makes me all sad and wanna let my tears flow again when I think of all of it. But looking back, I guess alhamdulillah Im more stronger than before, i feel my iman has improved alhamdulillah, and my faith in Allah is growing more than ever. Theres so many things I wanna do, but i just cant, problems are intertwined with each other, before I make any decision I have to think of everything, because it can affect everything. So, Ive made a decision to let him go, it was the hardest ever, but whats done cannot be undone. I always think of myself as the lowest, and humblest, the bottom of the food chain, because I am tht, Im not important to the world. So better than I sit at home placidly doing nothing, wasting my time, better I find a job right. At least I can afford to buy things on my own, and I dont have to ask from parents, they cant keep on supporting you forever right? Youve gotta take charge of your life, coz one day theyll be gone. And youve got nobody to turn to except yourself and Allah. And if I ever get married(which i doubt so), my family will be my world next time. Inshallah. For now, I dont want to concentrate on anything else, apart from getting my life on track. Inshallah inshallah inshallah. Thats all I want. Im on the verge of deactivatiing my fb, which I know is hard, and therell definitely be people that I will miss, espically ones that I cant get out of my head heh, or i cant stop from looking at their pics. Hee. Guilty as a fox but yea, its hard but I have to try. I have to try for my sake. I have to put Allah first, my life, my family first. Ive got to find direction. Im giving people advice, I hate to see my friends sad,Im the non stop smiling, enthusiatic, happy go lucky girl, but when Im alone with my thoughts, i hide my sadness pretty well, and i guess its a skill ive gotten good at heh. Listening to Natacha Atlas - Mosh Fadilak - I am busy! :) In love with this song, I love the significance of the lyrics, i love her voice :) Laila saeeda blog.