MashaAllah, Tabarakallah.

Its been a year since I last blogged. How many events has happened and how many people came and go in and out of my life. How many things has happened. Masha Allah, masha Allah, indeed what one year can do to you.

Guess what!? Its already been a year 2 months that Im working now! Alhamdulillah ya rabb. I didnt expect so many events and turns in my life after I started working, and the very fact that it has been a year plus...its just too much to absorb and sometimes I slap myself wondering if this was all a dream. But its not, its reality, its moving fast, like superbly fast, and moving forward like nobodys business. Im just shaking my head literally as the days goes by. Memang betul dah akhir zaman. Time moves faster than light man Im tellin ya.

Where do I start? What should I say, or who do I say about? SO many interesting events has happened, I really wouldent know where to start...well its been a year kan. So of course lah. Bound to have so many things. And to think that when I read back my last post, how I was rambling on about finding a job so on and so forth and worrying about petty things, bla bla bla..I guess I havent matured enough yet. But alhamdulillah safe to say, that people find me mature, and Im grateful for that because at the very least, people do take your words seriously.

Im an Oss now, or an origination support coordinator. Trifling isnt it? Well the name. Bet some of ya will be scratching ya heads, well thats almost everybody who asks me about what i do, and when I mention broadcasting they always think its something to do with being on TV. Yes I do deal with channels and secare kasar "TV", but my kind is more to technical admin kinda behind the scenes that makes sure viewers get to watch Discovery Channel without any glitches, faults and something during airing gone wrong. We provide support to the ops,in which certain things they refer to us whether to go ahead or not as one small decision might lead to a big discrep if not carefully handled. Well I was just one of those people before I entered this industry, in which I didnt know tht such an industry even existed, hell I thought it was just machines doing all the work, but oh well, theres actually a wonderland that gets it all done, with people dedicating 8 hours of their lives everyday making sure the end result was having viewers watching the channels smoothly and problem free. But of course, that is quite the impossible. Not totally but, its a system and its technology, which will never be perfect no matter how perfect it claims to be. Anything man-made, will never be perfect except for Allah, the Almighty, who of course, will always be around till the end of time. We are just ticking away, having an expiration date...like the vegetables that goes soft, or the milk that goes sour..they expire correct? We too expire but its just we dont know when exactly..

So far my work has been so far so good alhamdulillah, I have to admit though, there always work politics, gossips, and somethings things that make me feel shallow, but I pull through and then Ill be alright again..coz you see Im the type that dont need anybody to give me motivation but me.. I know myself very well, I just have to encourage and motivate myself from my own heart.. and then Ill find the strength with the help of Allah SWT to be happy and leave the sadness and melancholy behind once more. I can never be sad for long periods of time, its just me, and I hate seeing others unhappy, no matter how unhappy i can be. I know how it feels to be lonely, to be hated, to be ousted, to be sad, to be bitter, to be emotional, and its not very nice feelings. So if possible I dont want others to be like that too, let it just be me, as long as others are happy. Sometimes I wonder why is it hard for people to understand me, or is it because of the way I put my understanding into words that translates as a first impression to other people that Im something else apart from me? I guess I should really drill that "Speak good or keep silent" hadith into me, which I really am trying to do because my tongue does worries me, because sometimes i dont listen to myself or what Im talking about and just ramble on, and that is not good. I guess its a weakness of mine, and I have to change that into a strength. i know you cant please everybody in the world, but at the very least, to have a good relationship with anybody and everybody no matter who they are.

Enough about work, it will never end, but Im really grateful I have a stable job now, at the very least i can repay back my parents for all tht they have done. Just to see their smiles and having something to give, to contribute back makes me a happy girl, for they have done all their might just to make sure I remain happy, and I intend to do the same for them. I know who I am, I know I am a sinner, I know I am no righteous servant of Allah, Im still far away from him, still far, but Im crawling on my knees, my iman is like the sea, going up and down and times when all I really need is its stability. But I guess that all comes back to oneself, how they want to attain iman and taqwa, and how they want to please their Creator.

Sometimes I wonder why am I chosen to be given rizq at where I am working now, why I was put there. Before I knew someone, I still kept on wondering, but I still wonder until now lah. But then, all of it is His plan and only His, and we as his hamba can only try and do our best to bertaqwa and beriman, while leaving everything else to Him and tawakaltu Alallah. I shant mention names, let only me know who the person is. Sometimes I wonder what did I do or how this all came about. I just knew our friendship started during ramadhan, and before you know it, wow look where are we now. I mean just wow. It just became full blown what also Im not sure what to call it. I just know I have this sincere love towards the person and family. It just gives me peace when I look at them. But also, there is a not so good side to this, as there might be a hint of romance in d air. But yes, Im trying to erase all that, I mean sometimes I just keep on asking why Allah why? just as the latter also does.. only He has the answer... is my presence here in the latter's life to help? or am i just a test? and vice versa? I do know that love comes from Allah SWT, yet sometimes I feel that nafs is taking over entirely of tht love which is pure. My sincerity in me doing things has never been questioned, which is good, just making people wondering why would I do this or that for what so on and so forth but I always have my reasons for everything I do. it would be pointless to be doing something without a reason, it is like driving a car and heading to an unknown destination in which you decide that you didnt want to drive at all, you just wanted a thrill .              

Im am currently sick and was on 2 days MC. Phlegmy, coughing flu fever. Whole package lah. Sigh. but its okay. I accept and I redha. It was what I asked for if that were to mean getting keampunan. Itu pon masih tak sedar diri and buat salah lagi... Sometimes I just dont know what to do with myself. Hopefully its kaffarah for my dosa as I have so many to ask forgiveness for.. Sometimes we humans think that we solat or bace2 here and there is enough, bt it can never be enough to substitute what he has given us all this while.. what about oxygen? waking up to a new day? being in the pink of health? sickness free....

Sigh. Thats all I can say. Sometimes looking back at this year, there are times im proud of myself, but at times ashamed of myself.All I hope is for Allah to never leave me no matter how bad I am, inshaAllah ameen.

I would love to ramble on, But me eyes are screaming for sleep and I am not at a hundred percent thus I really need the rest. One year eh one year... (building castles on air)... still have tht minty fresh pahit smoke feeling on my tongue. Yikes. Terribly guilty yet pleasurable. Hmmm. *knocks myself on the head* need to stop itttttt. neeed to stooooop it. all i can say is... LALALALALALA. okay. im sleepy lah. nites ditto peopess.