Hello from the outside.
At least I could say that I tried.

Hentam sajalah. I wanted to blog but internet is down so yeah, I just type here first lor.

Ok I had like a mental note of what I wanted to jog down, and then I forget =.=
HANISAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (peeved at myself)

Yuna's new jig Crush is so heavenly!

My heart singin la la la la la la la la la

I wish my heart was singing that now, I truly do.

I think Ive got a little crush on my hub. Lols. That is a good thing right? My crush on him never went away.. That is why I am still able to love him like I do, the first time those feelings presented themselves in my heart, it never went away till today.I still miss him everyday even though i see him everyday, even more when he is not around. but i cant quite connect with him. Though I must say things have quite changed. Not my feelings but everything else around me. I have so many questions I need answers to, but the problem is Im not even sure if its worth asking or worth pondering or even crying over. I is at such a confused loss. My heart feels like its on a trampoline, never ending jumping up and down signifying as light hearted I get is as fast as heavy it gets. Is it normal for a wife to feel as I did? Why do things change? Or is it me over thinking things, can somebody answer me.

I look at his fb and photos many times not because i wanna stalk him but because i wanna remind myself why and how i fell in love with him, reading my old convos together with him makes me smile, so at least i seek solace there and imagine tt we were still talking like tt after marriage.

Since I tied the knot, I hate to admit as time goes by I find myself getting even lonelier than ever, I have someone who is present physically, but unfortunately he's not even a friend or companion as I thought I would have. SOmeone to share your fears, tears, dreams and accept whatever nonsense that came with you without question or judgement but it seems I have gotten completely opposite..it feels like whatever I do is never enough or always tak kena, kenapa? A few months in, someone asked me, are you happy?", I said I was, but that nitty bitty part of me told me that I was in denial, realitywise I was becoming unhappy. I felt like my happiness became limited. Why am I feeling this way? Im not sure.

I just wanna fly away and ignore this. Fortunately I have a beautiful baby to look after 24/7, alhamdulillah he makes me forget all this each moment he is awake, but when nobodys around and he sleeps, It makes all this come back creeping.. I still have my dreams buried in a small spot in my soul, just hoping for the day when I get to fulfill them. I am in need of assurance. In need of attention. in need of sincere love. in need of courage. in need of spirit. in need of optimism. Im losing faith in myself and Im becoming increasingly judgemental to myself and withdrawn, also being horrible to myself, you just dont see it because I can make myself look okay, when underneath im just a ticking time bomb.

It sucks to be always misunderstood by the very person who swore to love you, take care of you and protect you, the irony of it being is that its the very same person who time and time again just hurts you without realizing, ok maybe not hurt but just misunderstood mostly.. he thinks he knows everything when in reality he is so goddamn far.. another ironic thing is how come friends who do not need to live under one roof can understand me so perfectly, yet the one who shares a bed and roof fails numerously.. i just cant grasp that, and really I suck at explaining these kind of things because when it comes to these kinda things it is really not easy to put emotions into words. Plus the worry of the response and reaction that I will get, definitely disappointing..so I turn to writing, I turn to poetry.. at least its kinda therapeutic for me to let go off my chest..

Im losing alot of faith in myself here, feeling kinda worse day by day doubting myself so much that I feel Im quite useless to everybody and everything.I always have these mental conversations in my head when I remember back those times when I didnt say anything and I know I shouldve, when he makes me feel horrible, and doesnt understand what im trying to do or say. I feel sad.

You see, in my 23 years of living, I can say Ive been through alot that has definitely tore my heart a few times, I know how alot of situations feel, and it is NOT easy reliving those moments. or letting go. Theres so much I wanna do for him, but it always becomes awkward when I want to say or start something, why? Am i not suppose to be comfortable and able to express my mind, without being afraid of being disappointed or hurt by the latter's words or reaction/expression. I can only truly be myself when Im back home, here I have to be in a shell possibly maybe how I can describe is like being like in prison, with every step being watched and criticized.

Im kinda thankful I started a blog, when I can go over years and years of entry and see how much Ive grown.. seriously I have just given up telling him anything, I dont feel like he wants to listen to me, nothing I say is ever good enough and cannot say salah abit, tak suka. Walhal I have never complained anything about him or tegur or apape, I admit sometimes I do talk without thinking and maybe my words arent nice or what lah i dont know but my intention has always been good, I only want the best for people apart from myself.. it takes very few individuals to actually know me inside out and Im thankful that they are my friends who know me so well they cn actually translate back to me what I mean. tk payah pon duduk sebumbung. dah bole kenal.

Anniversary pon tak bagi apape,i dont expect the world or something, but chocolate ke sekuntum bunga ke.. maybe im expecting too much kot from someone who is not romantic..also dalam pantang kene tegur, mase mengandung alahan first few months punyela teruk pon kene marah..all wrong timings..how many times do I literally want to jump out the window or just cried it all out in the bathroom, Tuhan jela yang tau.. it just literally puts me down so bad that I feel like throwing myself out the window and fuck everything else, I could care less. For me, I dont like to make things complicated, if a situation makes me unhappy ill do anything to let myself go, in which divorce did come up on my mind a few times, but maybe that was overreacting la pulak. Mmmg a marriage will always have ups and downs. But if now my effort to communicate is one sided, and he fails to understand me, what will happen in the near future if even bigger issue arises" i dont even wanna ponder. All I want is love and attention, but if I cannot even get that from him then from who else?

I am honestly getting tired..sometimes i do wonder if i was still single and working i might actually be happier than having to front all this.. its not that i dont appreciate what he does for me and all that, i really do and i love him for that.. but what he is lacking is seriously no shit its communication and talking and i wish he would put in more effort in that dept because im getting lonelier by day and the worse part of it we are supposedly a part of each other, but u cant even understand me properly so do u think u can be a part of me? I dont trust him with anything anymore.What for? id rather tell hana or husna.. at least whatever nonsense talk that comes out from me they will do their best to calm me and reassure me and bear with me without any criticism or judgement and I love them for that..

It is not that i dont appreciate anything that hes done, I know he works hard and all and cares and does what he can and is responsible and is not that I tak bersyukur but because you see all i need a friend, i could care less about having a house to none or going holidays ke tak or going sini sana or what, what matters is the person you are with can either make the time memorable for you, or boring for you. which reminds me my honeymoon was so,idk zzzz like talking to a wall is better? I have noooo idea whats going on in his head also, so darn quiet.     

I am indeed the girl who cries at night but still able to flash everyone else a smile the next morning. I know im not that smart beautiful or amazing, i cannot understand anyone who finds me any of those, they must be blind. As much as I would like to believe that I have alot of self worth, my self worth is slowly declining because the one who supposedly loves me does not do anything for enhancing my self worth, enthusiasm or moral support. Ive known and stayed with a few couples who really exhibit true love.. and Im so jealous because I feel like i dont have that with him.. ive seen the quietest of men become talkative with their wives, i wish for the same.. id love to have a conversation everyday but i dont get that..well relationships change, and we have to grow..so ill just sabar and see how it goes, with Allah in my heart to soothe my troublesome and small heart.

Hana is funny telling me she stalk pretty girls fbs and one of them is me. she siao or what hahaha. Im so bloody ugly. I wish I can believe when someone tells me youre pretty or nice or something similar but when i look in the mirror I know I cannot do so. I see so much ugliness i wouldnt even know where to start. TO me every other woman out there i will always always see something beautiful about them.. something that I can never be or see in myself. Maybe she is fat but she has beautiful skin..or she is short but shes got a wonderful smile. Even being married doesnt make me feel beautiful. how to when he said i tak cantik so i guess that is the truth la kan. I cannot expect anything more than that. 

In my head im always feeling like am i doing this wrong or whats my mistake or what else should i do but if i keep blaming myself like this then it makes me lost..see la how lor. tk boleh nk sedih2 sngt nanti susu drop because mothers mood affect milk supply ya.. its no joke... n my son needs my milk..so lets self motivate to be happy if others cant.. 
only time can tell. only time. right now my focus is umar.

ok i have to sleep. besok nk gi sunway mall. sedih2 perlukan retail therapy. hihi.